I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
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they should invent a rest for the wicked
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”