GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
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i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today