In Medieval times, people used antimony as a π³π¦πΆπ΄π’π£ππ¦ laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
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Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I donβt need that kind of negativity in my life
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didnβt finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think Iβm on to something hereβ¦
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard itβs the cutest
What a year we’ve had this week.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up β we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
If you want to add more flavor to your toddlerβs food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I donβt take orders from horse-beaters
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.