You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
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[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please