I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
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Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
omg leave her alone
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower