modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
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UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.