The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
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My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!