me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
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2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.