I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
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This is Sparta
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
That eye roll….
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.