If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
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New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
There is no “we” in pizza
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.