put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
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*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”