Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
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Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I thought this was funny lol
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.