I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
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1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead