I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
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Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I’ve been learning to cook.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.