teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
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Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.