ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
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90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail