a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
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Put a ring on it
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup