Finally, a door that understands me
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Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
smh
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.