Nailed it…ποΈππ
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Yard reviews
βββββ
“Amazing milkshakes”βββββ
“Too many boys”
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
me adding lol on a serious message
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like βIβm not above buying another personβs junk but just not yours.β
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree thatβs way worse
iβm sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldnβt the sharks be on strike?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom youβre occupying, yell βCASH ONLYβ
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Little known fact:
Young childrenβs bones are not the same as an adult. Childrenβs elbows are actually made of knives.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you canβt do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I donβt use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Just ordered me some pizza!
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T