My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
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V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
where do you see yourself in five years?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Go girl power!
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.