Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
White Castle for the Win
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me: