My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
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Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head