[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
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[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.