sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
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nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!