Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
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I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I’m sorry…what?
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣