*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
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Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I was just discussing this with my cat