“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
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A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
“I’m helping” 😅
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.