Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
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Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
iPhone X
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
My dress code is business-casualty.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men