Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
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My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Encore…
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it