ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
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technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos