TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
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[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
*checks Timeline*…
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Bed should get ready for ME
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Air pods looking like an angry frog
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
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My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe