Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
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Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
the red hot silly peppers
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat