For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
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Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Something Saturday.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”