I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
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I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
My hips? Compulsive liars.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.