“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
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me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.