Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
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A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.