me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
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Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*