Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.