“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
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Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?