FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
My ideal weight is five million dollars
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.