ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
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[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
When your parents check you’re ok.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you