Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
You Might Also Like
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
i’m still crying at this
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell