Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
You Might Also Like
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
j o i m p
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.