Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
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anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
crazy
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*