Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
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The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
My inexpensive home security system…
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER