professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
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[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words