Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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No-one: I can hear screaming
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
People buying plungers never look happy.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out