Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
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I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
A Short Story.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy