Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
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Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.