“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
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*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me